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Mother’s Day
May 14, 2006

Good morning!  I am so happy to have been asked to offer the sermon at another Camp Jewell Sunday service

But, I have to admit to wishing that we stopped having Camp Jewell on Mother’s Day…not just because just one year I’d like Greg and Ralph to bring me breakfast in bed, but partially because it’s tough after the last five years, to come up with an original Mother’s Day sermon.    

So I turned to the Internet for inspiration.  Did you know that there is actually a web site called “desperatepreacher.com”?!  I don’t think it’s for Unitarian Universalist women ministers though.  Here are some of the sample sermon titles they suggested for Mother’s Day:  God’s Plan for Women; How to Become A Model Mother”, “How to Be A Submissive Wife”, “How To Set Your House in Order”, and perhaps my favorite, a two parter, Part One An Excellent Wife Part Two An Excellent Wife…Contrast that with our own hymnal – when I looked up the word “Mother” in the index hoping to find Mother’s Day readings, it said, “See Parent.”

Of course, the Internet commercialized Mother’s Day – greeting cards, flowers, candy, presents…the NY Times this past week had many full page, $80,000 ads, to convince us to buy expensive presents for mother’s day in order I suppose to pay for the $80,000 ads.  More money is spent for flowers for Mother’s Day than Valentine’s Day. 

And it’s not just the crass commercialism and the syrupy card messages that make it difficult for a minister to preach on Mother’s Day…I know that for many of us Mother’s Day is a reminder of what we have missed…what we have lost…some of us wanted desperately to become mothers and that was denied to us, by circumstance or relationship or because our bodies didn’t cooperate.  Some of us had toxic mothers, whose influence we are still dealing with in therapy and in the painful parts of our own lives and personalities.  Some of us are missing our mothers today, either because we never knew them…or because they or we have chosen not to be part of our lives…or because they have passed away…some of us are missing our children today, because we have lost them to death, or broken relationships.  Some of us are missing our children’s other parent because for any number of reasons they are no longer in our lives.

I’m missing Alyssa today, but happy to tell you that she’ll be home from her semester in Vietnam tomorrow evening.

The fact is that some of us didn’t get the mothers we wanted or deserved …and some of us aren’t the mothers we wish we could be.  Some of us were primarily mothered by others, a grandparent, a teacher, a friend, or a partner.  Some of us were primarily mothered, if that word means nurtured or cared for, not by women but by men. 

Let us pause then to take a moment to name aloud those who we honor today for mothering us, including those men and women who are not our biological parents….

It seems to fitting to remind ourselves of one of our Unitarian foremothers this morning.  Did you know that Mother’s Day was actually created by a Unitarian? 

Do any of the children here know who she was?  It was Julia Ward Howe who is perhaps best known for the song, “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” which she wrote about the Civil War.  She was an ardent opponent of slavery, and was the founder of the first American women ministers group.  Five years after the Civil War ended, there was a new war between France and Prussia in Europe.  There were international peace conferences going on in Europe, and Julia Ward Howe wrote a manifesto against war on behalf of women.  (To the children: What do you think happened when she went to one of these conferences and asked to speak?) She was not allowed to speak by the male organizers at this conference.  So, she came back to the United States, and issued her manifesto on June 2nd, 1870, calling it “Mother’s Day”.

This is what it said in part, “Arise then…women of this day.  Arise, all women who have hearts…say firmly, “we will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies.  Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage for caresses and applause.  Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy, and patience.  We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure others….From the voice of a devastated earth, a voice goes up with our own.  It say’s Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.” And she went on to call for a “general congress of women without limit of nationality…to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, and the great and general interests of peace.”  Sounds like words that could apply today. 

As some of you know, I am currently writing my third book on parenting.  It doesn’t have a title yet, but after the colon it’s called, “Helping 20th century parents raise good 21st century kids.” 

I am partially writing this book to address the real changes that have occurred since we were children.  Many of us are having our children later in life and having fewer children than our parents did.  In the 1950’s when my mother had me, women had their first child on average at the age of 21 and only one of four children had two parents who worked outside of the home.  Today the first time mom is on average over the age of 27 and three in four children have two parents who are working outside of the home.  The divorce rate is four times higher than it was in 1960. 

As a result, parents tend to treat their children with a sense of greater preciousness and importance.  I remember in my new mother’s group after Alyssa was born, a woman in her early forties who had just had her first child.  When we were introducing ourselves and our babies, she said, “This is Hannah, but I really should call her “Basket.”  We looked at her puzzled.  She explained, “Because I had her so late, we are putting all of our eggs in her.”  We laughed, but I wondered then if that wasn’t true for most of us over 30 as well.

I also remember something else this mom said.  After a few weeks, many of one of us was really struggling with being the mothers of a newborn.  The lack of responsiveness and the constant need to nurse was exhausting.  This mom said, “Some of us will be great mothers of babies.  Some of toddlers, some of pre-schoolers, some of teenagers.  I’ve decided I’ll be a great mom of an adult.” 

One of the questions that I’ve been asking parents I interview is to complete this sentence: “My primary roles and responsibilities as a parent are: ______________”.  Think about it for a moment.  How would you complete this sentence? 

I have yet to receive two answers that are the same.  Several parents mentioned being a good role model so that children could learn by example how “well-rounded, health, productive, and ethical adults behave.”  They echo the important parenting axiom, “Actions speak louder than words.”  Author James Baldwin wrote “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” 

Several parents mentioned protecting children and preparing them for life, and others mentioned giving them morals and values.  One person took me literally: he wrote, “to drive her where she needs to go.” Here are some other answers:

To give them a secure home emotionally and financially; To keep my child safe, healthy, and educated; To try to give them a sense of self confidence and curiosity; To assist them to grow into kind and caring adults.  One person said to “allow her to fail, and to provide a warm, safe place to fall.”  Similarly, one mom wrote “to guide them through obstacles and teach them to deal with adversity.” 

Many parents offered a variation of “love them, love them, love them.”  Urie Bronfenbrenner said that children need an enduring, reciprocal, and irrational relationship with at least one person.  In other words, what children need most are parents who are crazy about them, who love their children “more than anything and anyone…”  One of the parents said that his primary role is to “love his children in extremis.”        

But according to my colleague and friend Barbara Levi-Berliner there is a difference between a children knowing that they are loved and believing that they are lovable.  Most children know that their parents love them, but they may not know that they are worthy people who will be loved by others.  As one teen said to me, “Of course, MY parents love me.  They have to.  I just don’t think someone else ever will.”  Yes, unconditional love is important but it’s only the start point for good parenting.

In reviewing more than 40 years of research on what makes effective parents for my book, a clear and consistent set of messages emerged.  Authoritative parenting works – being responsive to your children’s needs, being involved with their lives, setting limits for their behaviors and following through on consequences when limits are not followed, while simultaneously encouraging and allowing them to make age appropriate decisions and explaining the reasons for your decisions makes a difference.  Children of parents who are too permissive and children parents who are too strict are very likely to engage in risky behaviors as adolescents, although the children of permissive parents feel better about themselves while doing it!  Neither “just say no”  “because I said so” or “figure it out for yourself” work well in raising children to have high self esteem and a sense of family connection.

A sense of family connection matters. In a study of more than 13,000 young people in grades 7 – 12, preteens and teens were asked how close they felt to their parents. The researchers found that teenagers who felt close and connected to their parents were less likely to engage in a whole range of risky behaviors from smoking, to drinking, to drugs, to sex. Young people do better when they are able to discuss their problems with their parents, believe their parents have high expectations for school performance, feel closely connected to their family, and frequently share activities with parents.  It makes a difference if at least one of the parents is at home when the teenager wakes up, gets home from school, at dinner, and at bedtime, but not as much difference as if the teenager said they felt loved and cared for. 

It’s hard to always be there for your children in today’s world.  As I was writing this sermon on Friday afternoon, Greg came in to my office to talk to me.  My first response was, “honey, I’m too busy now. I’m writing a sermon about good parenting.”  We both laughed…but I have to confess that feeling stressed about finishing, I asked if we could wait to talk until I was done!

I’m also writing in my book about my concern that so many parents want their children to be accomplished and successful, often as early as pre-school. Garrison Keiler described Lake Woebegon as where “all the children are above average.”  In fact for many parents today that needs to be updated to “where all the children are extraordinary.”  A woman in a well-to-do suburb outside of Boston confided in me, “We joke about the fact that we want our children to have straight A’s:  they should all be Attractive, Academic, Artistic, and Athletic.”  I think that might be true of Fairfield County as well. 

Ask yourself for a moment, “Would I rather my child be successful or happy?”  And, later today, ask your child what they think you want.  You might be surprised.  My friend Bob Selverstone, a development psychologist and all round great human being, came home one day from school over twenty years ago after having done an exercise with his students about what their parents and friends hoped for them.  He asked his then 16 year old son, “What do you think mom wants for you?”  Marc answered, “For me to be happy.”  “And me?” Bob queried.  “Dad, you want me to be successful”, Marc replied.  Bob was dumbfounded; “No, Marc, I want you to be happy!”  Surely his son knew that he wanted him to be happy first and foremost.  But even in this psychologist and parenting expert’s home, the metamessage was clear.  Marc remonstrated, “No, dad, you want me to be successful.”  Looking back, Bob said to me recently, “clearly and unwittingly, I had communicated that message over the years. It was a powerful new awareness for me.”   Talking about his now 40 plus son, Bob, said to me, “The good news is that he is both happy and successful.  But his mom was right on the mark.  Happiness IS the most important thing.  Would you prefer happiness without success or success without happiness? For me, that is almost a no brainer.”

We have an important role to play as a faith community in helping each other parent our children.  At our child naming ceremonies, we covenant with each other as parents, even when we don’t know each other,   “We promise that as much as we can we will journey with you in your efforts toward responsible parenting with love and friendship and support.  We will try to assist you in every way we can in parenting that will help your children to grow and mature into responsible and happy adults.  We promise to stand by you and we will try to be a good influence on you and your children.”

I think we do that here at Camp Jewell.  I love watching how easily children move from one family to another and how families assist each other in parenting responsibilities.  I have always loved Camp Jewell because we allow our children the opportunity to experience nature here with minimal adult interference.  They are able to spend time without us in a way that many of us do not allow in our suburban neighborhoods.  Many of us remember leaving our homes as children after breakfast on a Saturday and not returning until lunch or even dinner time.  My mother never asked “where did you go?”  She certainly never arranged a play date for me or limited my explorations of the fields and wooded areas near our homes.  A few years ago a man names Richard Louv wrote a book titled “Saving Our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder”, recognizing how few of today’s parents allow their children to explore nature on their own. 

Indeed, one of the ways we help raise spiritually healthy children is to encourage them to have these experiences in nature directly.  Rabbi Sandy Sasso wrote that “teaching children about religion is not primarily about transmitting information but about evoking wonder, encouraging discovery.  Spiritual knowledge is not acquired in understanding the essence of God, but in feeling the presence of God.”  Unitarian religious educator and minister, Sophia Fahs, the mother of UU religious education, taught the value of nature in religion education.  She wrote “we wish children to know God directly through original approaches of their own to the universe.”  I think we allow that here at Camp Jewell because we trust each other as a faith community in a way we no longer trust our neighborhoods.  It is clear after a weekend here, that both children and adults need, in Henry David Thoreau’s words, “the tonic of wildness and nature.” 

Finally, together as a faith community, we can assist parents to raise children who will find their passions and contribute to society to make the world a better place.   There is a Hebrew expression, “Tikkun olum” which means to heal the world.  As our children collect books for Beardsley or count the pounds of garbage we make or participate in mitzvah day or build for habitat, and so on we are teaching them that we are all responsible for healing the world.

And that brings us back to Julia Ward Howe and that first Mother’s Day.  Now, I hope that we will all take the time to celebrate our mothers and the mothers of our children and those other important people who have mothered us.  But, I also hope we will remember today and indeed everyday to think about how we can and must care for and nurture each other, and indeed all the people of the world.  Mahatma Gandhi wrote, “If we are to teach real peace in this world and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with children; and if they will grow up in their natural innocence, we won’t have to struggle; we won’t have to pass fruitless, idle resolutions, but we shall go from love to love and peace to peace, until at last all the corners of the world are covered with that peace, and love for which, consciously or unconsciously, the whole world is hungering.”  And so may it be.  Happy Mother’s Day!

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